In practical terms it meant saying that it was better that my heart broke, than hers. But that is where the difficulties began, because having made my decision, I found it impossible to go back on my word; life lost all meaning if I tried to do so. So I was trapped until I saw it through to completion. Ironically my solution was the same as that of Jesus. In resorting to miracles, Jesus clearly believed he was creating a greater synthesis out of the more parochial parts, as evidenced by his condemnation of Bethsaida and Capernaum for not repenting. He said in terms that a greater than Solomon was present, and that they should recognise the fact. And I expect that once he had started, he too found it impossible to turn back. Hence his blistering condemnation of Bethsaida and Caperaum; by failing to repent, they effectively condemned him to death. They did not mean to, of course; it was just the inevitable consequence of their actions, or lack of action. Adopting similar thoughts, you could say that my stance was that no man need face choices that God (standing beside him or dwelling within him) was not willing to face as well. I too expected a miracle; not that of a paralysed man taking up his bed and walking, nor of a woman miraculously rising above national antipathy, but of the creation of a relationship between two human souls which, of course, they were utterly incapable of creating by themselves. But by invoking the creativeness of God, I too was condemned after rejection to see it through to completion. And though I can take little credit for my actions, I think only one brief bitter reproach escaped my lips or my pen. In my opinion Jesus carried the analysis of conflicting duties a great deal further than the Greek poets, Aeschylus or Sophocles, whom I must soon consider; and I imitated him, without knowing it! Like Monsieur Jourdain talking prose.
How could anyone be faced with a more searching decision? In my first book, to which the publishers gave the title “Man’s Relationship with God”, although I would have preferred “Spiritual Adventure”, I describe my choice in the only sensible way I could; not by revealing what happened which would have been almost meaningless, and grossly disloyal, but by describing the spiritual or intangible world as I found it to be. So I tell the story obliquely. It took me three years to write the first draft of the book; but with many necessary revisions, it took thirty one years to get it published. It was the work of a lifetime; but it was worth it, because the decision was the decision of a lifetime. So I am well qualified to say whether religion as a whole is a help in resolving the decisions of everyday life, and whether religion as preached by the clergy of the C.of E. is a help, or is strangely irrelevant.