where Abelard blundered; once he had seduced Heloise, failure was virtually inevitable. It was not a question of forgiveness; of course Heloise forgave him everything. If one strays from the straight and narrow, the enterprise will be ruined because it will be virtually impossible to recreate mutual trust in its completeness.
This is a hard first rule, because it forbids a man to use almost all the time-honoured tricks of the lover. All lovers tend to flatter, wheedle, and fawn. So if one goes about courtship in the traditional way, one may end up very happily married; but there is no chance whatever of solving the problem of reconciling God and a wife. If a man (or a woman) wants to solve this problem, he must be willing to fail at the very first hurdle.
The only prospect of success lies in the man's hope (possibly the vain hope) that if only he endures long enough, in the end the penny will drop with the woman, and she will see that goodness and mutual trust are far more wonderful than conventional happiness, and mutual calculation. If the penny does not drop, and he sees his sweetheart go off and happily marry another man, that is just too bad! There is nothing he can do about it. Rows, threats, exhortations to do her duty, flirting with other girls are equally forbidden. If he is not faithful to the one he has chosen, he might as well give up. The first rule still applies; if he strays from the straight and narrow, he probably ruins the whole enterprise.
How can his morale and consistency of purpose possibly last? The key to this part of the problem lies in the hint I dropped earlier, that the initiative must come from God; that a man attempting to reconcile God and a wife on his own initiative is to all intents and purposes beating his head against a wall. The tactical initiative naturally must come from the man; but the strategic initiative must come from God. His co-operation is absolutely vital to the enterprise, and…